Just two more days left in our fundraising campaign benefitting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Join me along with Tim Baughman, Eve Jacob, Tabitha, Sounds Nerdy, and our friends broadcasting the podcast We Were (Kind of) A Big Deal in College through our various efforts to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. So far we’ve raised a nearly $100 and there is still time! 100% of my proceeds from my books Candy Apple Butterscotch and Novelties will go directly toward our collective donation to the AFSP.
Today, we’ll focus on my personal reasons for participating in this wonderful initiative. I’ve previously mentioned that the AFSP is an organization close to my heart, and I’ve finally had time to sit down and share a little bit as to why. There have only been two times in my life when I was so completely overwhelmed that I wanted to end my life. The first time, someone was there to save me. He literally picked me up off of the floor and convinced me that life was worth living. Unfortunately, the same man would later abuse me and inflict deep wounds contributing to my most pervasive trauma and PTSD.
Yet, I’m still thankful that he was there that afternoon the first time I felt the weight of depression crushing my soul so severely that death seemed like a welcome retreat. I’d like to share the details of that afternoon with you here today. What follows is an excerpt from my memoir Candy Apple Butterscotch.
‘The evening passed ever so slowly as I waited for Noah’s phone call. Eight came and went with no word. I figured that, much like the rest of the world after a big Thanksgiving meal, he had gotten home and fallen asleep. I didn’t take it personally, but I was a little disappointed. I had been looking forward to spending the evening together.
Then, just as I was changing into my pajamas for the evening, my phone rang. It was Noah and, as I had suspected, he had fallen asleep. He apologized and invited me up to his apartment. I quickly redressed, made my way upstairs and headed toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Mom asked as I passed through the living room where the rest of my family was watching a Christmas movie on television.
“To hang out with Laura,” I answered without a second thought. The first time I had spent the night with Noah, I had used the same excuse. It was true, nothing sexual was going on between us, but I didn’t feel like explaining or arguing with my mother about it.
“Oh, okay. Have fun,” Mom said as I continued out the door.
I arrived at Noah’s apartment, let myself in and found him fighting with a giant area rug in the kitchen.
“Hey, what are you doing?” I asked as I patted Dusty on the head and tossed my purse and keys on a small wicker shelf just inside the door as if I had lived there for years.
“Trying to get this rug laid out. Some of the stores are open tonight for Black Friday and I stopped on my way home to check out the sales. I needed a rug for the kitchen, so I picked this up,” he answered as he man-handled the rug into place before attempting to cut the ties to unravel it.
“Okay, well, a rug I can see, but isn’t this a little excessive? It basically covers the entire floor,” I said, taking the liberty to pour some cat food into Cosmo’s dish as he batted and meowed at me.
“My ex-wife hated walking around on the cold tile, so I kind of got used to carpet in the kitchen, and it was on sale,” he answered.
“Oh, well, I guess I can see that, but what about all the food and spills? Doesn’t it get really gross?” I asked, stepping out of the way as he slid the rug into place.
“Well, whatever. It’s your kitchen. What are we watching tonight?” I asked.
“I don’t know. What do you want to watch? Pick something from the shelf,” he answered. “I need to take the dog out. I’ll be right back.”
I wandered out into the living room and started browsing through his movie collection. I found one that I had seen in theaters and greatly enjoyed. I wanted to watch it again. It was the only one I was familiar with in the entire collection. I picked it off the shelf and returned to sit on the couch as I kicked my shoes off and made myself comfortable.
Noah soon joined me, removed his jacket and plopped down next to me for a moment before getting up to put the DVD in the player.
“What’d you pick?” he asked as he took the movie from me and hopped up. “Oh wow. You like this one?”
“Yeah, I saw it in the theater but I haven’t seen it since. It was really good. Actually, funny story about that. When I was there, I saw Derrick’s wife with another man. She turned around and asked me a question. Thankfully, she didn’t recognize me, or maybe she did. I don’t know. It was really awkward,” I answered.
“Seriously?” he asked as he returned to the couch.
“I know. I didn’t say anything, obviously, because I mean… I don’t know. It could have been a guy from work or something. I didn’t know, and I wasn’t about to go around destroying lives for no reason,” I explained as the movie began.
“Yeah, you’re right. Come here,” he said, pulling me close to him. “I had a really nice time this afternoon. Your family really isn’t so bad.”
“No, they’re not so bad in small doses. You don’t have to live with them,” I laughed as I snuggled up next to him and stretched out on the couch.
“Your dad’s pretty cool. I can see how your mom gets on your nerves, but I like your dad,” he said as he rested his arm across my shoulder and settled into his corner.
That was the last we said as the movie began, and I quietly dozed off.
That evening went much like the first night we spent together. Although, instead of the earlier awkwardness that came with the invitation into his bed, we were much more comfortable. It seemed to be understood that after the movie we were going to go upstairs.
Somehow I had managed to get the next day off. I don’t know if it was just the luck of the draw as I was generally off on Fridays, or if it was intentional because Troy was in charge of scheduling and knew Noah and I were planning on spending the holiday together. Either way, I was glad I didn’t have to wake up early and work on a hectic post-holiday schedule.
“Hey, would it bother you if I slept in my boxers?” Noah asked as I plopped down on the bed fully clothed.
“No. I don’t care. It’s your house. You can do what you want,” I answered.
It didn’t bother me, and I wasn’t entirely sure why he was asking me since we had spent our last two encounters cuddling together. While we weren’t sexually intimate, everything else about our relationship was very personal. I did like the fact that he respected me enough to ask. It just seemed to come at an unusual time.
“Oh my God, thank you. I hate sleeping in clothes. Well, actually I sleep naked, but boxers are way more comfortable than my clothes,” he explained. “Do you want a tee shirt or something more comfortable to sleep in? I’ve got a closet full.”
His implication to “get more comfortable” went right over my head, thanks to my child-like innocence. An older, wiser me remembered this exchange as I was writing it down and laughed. If only I had understood what he wanted from me then, on that night, the course of my life would have changed dramatically. Whether for better or for worse, I can’t say for certain. I only know things would have been much different.
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay,” I answered, quietly watching him haphazardly undress and toss his clothes into a pile in the corner.
“Are you sure? If you change your mind, just let me know. Do you mind if I sleep under the blankets tonight? I mean just because it’s cold,” he asked, literally hopping into the bed with somewhat of an excited exuberance.
“Sure, I got a little too hot the other night anyway. You were freezing. I covered you up before I left,” I said as I rolled over to face him.
“I noticed. Thank you. I was pretty cold,” he said with a smile as he crawled under the blankets with me and extended his arm to pull me close.
I smiled and snuggled in next to him underneath the crook of his arm. It felt a little weird with me in my khakis and sweater while he was practically undressed. It was also a new experience for me to be snuggled so close to a man with body hair. I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about it at first since I went out of the way to shave most, if not all, of my own out of personal distaste for it. As I lay there with my face on his bare, hairy chest, though, it became somewhat comforting – a feeling I associated with safety and security.
We lay there talking well into the morning about everything and nothing. The only thing I really remember is discussing how he was looking to find another roommate, but he expressed concern over inviting another young woman into his home after the mess that had resulted from his first attempt at a female living partner. He never did tell me the complete truth about what had happened between him and his former roommate – only that her boyfriend was extremely upset with him and kept coming to the apartment trying to break in, threatening him and generally being a nuisance. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but now I have to wonder if the same thing that eventually happened to me hadn’t happened to her.
The next morning we woke together. It was nice to stir to life at the same time, and it was funny that we had both opened our eyes and stared at the ceiling in silence until he finally asked, “Becca? Are you awake?”
“Yep. I’ve been awake for half an hour, but I didn’t want to disturb you,” I answered honestly, rolling over to face him.
“That’s pretty funny. Me too,” he replied.
We both laughed as he hopped out of bed.
“Hey, I’m going to take a shower. Do you need the bathroom?” he asked as he stretched and then lumbered across the room to his closet.
“Yeah, I guess I better.”
“Okay,” he answered, sitting down at his computer.
I sat there in silence for a moment until he looked over at me with a puzzled look on his face.
“Are you… gonna go do that… or?” he asked.
“Where it is?” I asked, returning his expression.
“Oh! Yeah, it’s just out the door to the…uh… left. Left, yes,” he replied after pausing to look at his hands to figure out the direction of the bathroom.
I laughed to myself as I rolled out of bed and brushed past him into the hallway, where I also had to get reoriented with proper directions before entering the bathroom.
“Thank God, I’m not the only one,” he yelled after me as I found the bathroom and closed the door behind me.
For the bathroom of a single man, it was surprisingly well-kept. Everything was organized and clean. I returned to the bedroom just as he was getting ready to head to the shower.
“After I get out of the shower, I’m heading up to hang out with a buddy of mine before work, but you’re welcome to stay as long as you want. Make yourself at home,” he said with a smile as he bounced past me into the bathroom.
I didn’t have anywhere to be or anything else to do, so I snuggled into the bed and closed my eyes while I waited for him to get out of the shower. I could have made my way down stairs, but I just wanted to lie there. Noah’s bed was the one place I’d found away from my mother where I felt safe and secure, a place that calmed my racing mind and where I was able to fully and completely relax. I hadn’t intended on going back to sleep, but listening to the water running in the bathroom, with the room warming up as the sun rose higher in the sky, I couldn’t help myself.
The next thing I remember was a hand placed lightly on my back and a gentle shake to rouse me from sleep.
“Becca? Hey, I don’t mean to run you off or anything, but I’m getting ready to head out the door. I’m already like an hour late,” he explained softly.
I opened my eyes and rolled over to see him staring down at me with a rushed, but content, smile.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall back to sleep. I’m up,” I said, sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of my eyes again.
“It’s okay. My buddy has known me since we were, like, five. He doesn’t expect me to be on time, but he lives out of town and is only here for the night. I need to get going. I’m going to go let the dog out. Wait for me, and we’ll leave together so I can lock the door behind us,” he said, heading out the bedroom door and quickly down the stairs.
I followed closely behind him. As he headed out back to let the dog out, I headed to the living room to check my phone. I had turned the ringer off and left it downstairs on purpose. I assumed that my mom would call when I didn’t return home, but what I hadn’t expected were the hateful voicemails she left.
I plopped down in the middle of the couch, picked up my phone and punched in my voicemail password. Listening to the first voicemail wasn’t too bad. She was upset, but mostly concerned that I hadn’t returned home, nor had I called to tell her. The second voicemail she left started to get a little hateful. She informed me that when I hadn’t returned home by morning she went to look for me. When she hadn’t found me at work, she asked where she could find Laura. She found Laura and asked where I had gone after I left her house. Laura, unaware of her role in my lie, honestly answered that I had never been to her house at all.
I had been caught.
Mom asked me to call her back. When I hadn’t returned her call, she called and left yet another voicemail. I was upset by the second voicemail, but I couldn’t even finish listening to the third one, which began, “I know you weren’t with Laura last night. You were with Noah, weren’t you? You’re still with him, aren’t you? How long has this been going on? Are you sleeping together? You’re nothing but a deceitful, little whore. How dare you lie to me….”
I burst into tears and collapsed onto the floor, throwing my phone across the living room. I lay there crying, curled up into the tightest little ball I could manage. There are only rare moments in which I’ve felt so completely helpless that death seemed as though it would be a welcome release. Crying in the middle of Noah’s living room after listening to those voicemails from my mother was the first of those moments in my life. I was crying so hard, trying to purge the pain from my soul, but the only thing that came was more tears.
“Becca, what’s wrong?” Noah asked, rushing back into the house and immediately to my side. “What the hell happened?”
He pulled me up off the floor and sat us both down on the couch. I was still sobbing uncontrollably as he put his arms around me in a protective embrace.
“I got voicemails from my mom. She found out that I wasn’t staying with Laura so she went looking for me. When she couldn’t find me she assumed that I was with you and called me a slut and a whore for spending time with you. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what to do!” I sobbed, still too emotional to fully articulate what my mother had accused me of.
“Wait. What? What did she say?” he asked, pulling me closer and holding me tighter.
“She called me a whore because we spent the night together. She won’t believe me when I tell her nothing happened. She never believes me. That’s why I didn’t tell her I was coming here. It doesn’t matter. I can’t take it anymore! I can’t! It doesn’t matter what I do. It’s never good enough,” I choked between erratic sobs. I was in so much pain and agony from everything regarding my mother. And it was all coming to a head with these hateful voicemails. “I don’t even want to live anymore!” I wailed before launching into another fit of erratic sobs.
I collapsed once again onto the floor. My head landed on Noah’s lap and he placed his hand on my shoulder as I cried it all out. It was the first time I ever felt completely broken, open and truly raw. I had done my best to keep my head up throughout a lifetime of abuse inflicted upon me, but at that moment, my spirit was so heavy I just didn’t want to go on. All I wanted to do was fade into nothingness.
My hope had been that once I turned 18, my mother would back off and leave me alone. Instead, things had only gotten worse. From the time I was very young, she had always threatened to kick me out of the house when I didn’t comply with her demands, but now that she wasn’t legally obligated to provide for me, her threats intensified to the point that they were almost a daily occurrence.
I had my own car and a steady job, but my salary was too low to be able to afford an apartment on my own, and it was too high for any sort of government assistance. Mom knew this. She knew I was stuck and used it to her complete advantage. I don’t think she expected me to find a place to live or to find someone who would challenge her treatment of me. Thankfully, in Noah, I inadvertently had.
“Becca, you’re not a whore. It’s okay. Your mom doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about. Don’t listen to her. That’s not right. She shouldn’t treat you that way. You need to get out of there. That’s not a healthy environment for you to be in. You don’t need that,” he reassured me.
I looked through my tears into his eyes riddled with concern, sadness and an ever-so-slight tinge of anger.
“But I don’t have anywhere else to go. I can’t afford my own apartment on my salary, and I don’t really have any friends. Other than you and Laura and…. Well, that’s really everyone.”
“Are you SURE you don’t have anywhere else to go?” he asked, searching my face for any sign of dishonesty.
“No… not really,” I answered.
With one more small sniffle, I began to dry my tears, and I pulled myself up off the floor. We paused there silently for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, I picked up my purse and headed toward the door, not entirely sure what I was going to do. Silently, I was hoping that an auto accident or some other means of quick and painless death would meet me.
“Where are you going?” Noah asked as I opened the door.
“I don’t know. Probably home. I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I answered with a shrug
“No. Don’t do that. Stay. Stay here. You can stay here.”
I looked at him and saw the concern and worry that blanketed his face. “Are you sure?” I asked.
“Well, no. I’m not sure. But we can work something out. Just don’t leave right now. Don’t go back to that. You need to calm down, Becca,” Noah signed.
I looked once again into his deep jade eyes and started to tear up for an entirely new reason. Here he was, this rough and tumble, reckless man, taking me into his home against his better judgement for no reason other than he wanted to give me a safe place to stay. I made my way back to the couch and sat next to him as he stared at the corner of the coffee table with an intensity I hadn’t seen from him before.
Silence took over the room for an unusual amount of time before he eventually looked up at me.
“Are you going to be okay here by yourself? I really need to go, but I’m not going to leave you alone if you want to die,” he nearly whispered, searching my face.
“I’ll be okay. You can go,” I answered, wiping a new batch of tears from my cheeks.
I had most definitely been on the brink of disaster after listening to the voicemails from my mom. Noah and the fact that he cared about me enough to open his home quickly brought me back to reality. My life wasn’t truly all that bad, and there were many solutions to the problems that weighed me down. I was so tired of battling my demons alone, but with someone in my corner, I found a renewed sense of strength.
“Are you sure? I don’t need to take the razors out of the bathroom and hide the knives or anything do I?” he asked, still not sure I had recovered. “I don’t want to come home to your body bled out in the bathroom or something.”
“No. Thank you. I promise I’ll be okay,” I answered with a small smile.
“Well, if you need anything, and I mean ANYTHING, you call me. If I don’t answer, call again and I will. I’m meeting my buddy and then I have to go right to work, so I won’t be home until pretty late. If you get bored or really lonely, come hang out,” he said as he stood up and headed toward the door. “Hey, your mom is wrong. I just want you to know that.”
I smiled with tears in my eyes as he turned to check on me one last time before disappearing out the front door.”
If you’d like to read more about Noah’s roll in my life you can purchase Candy Apple Butterscotch on Amazon! Also from November 20th – December 25th 100% of my proceeds from sales of both Candy Apple Butterscotch and Novelties: A Collection of Unfinished Short Stories will be donated to the AFSP.
Want to help out, but can spare the extra cash? No problem! You can still help by spreading the word and sharing this post on social media.