Being stuck in the house over the past month and a half has been challenging to say the least. I’ve struggled with it in many different respects, and also used the extra time to my advantage. I’ve been extremely introspective in most recent weeks and after a conversation with my sister decided to revisit my very first novel.
I started this project in high school right after September 11th, 2001. 2001 was ages before I was diagnosed with PTSD or even really recognized how maladjusted and unhealthy I was. This book was my way to cope with the intense and confusing feelings I was overwhelmed with. It started as a dream much like the title character states in the first pages of the story itself. One night I woke up filled with an overwhelming anxiety and the only way I could calm myself down was by sitting at my desk. The story was born from there.
It’s gone through many different names and endured a few gender roll reversals since it’s first draft. I wrote the final passage in October of 2004, but it was before I had access to a reliable computer and so it was written entirely by hand. Each time I began to transcribe it into the digital realm I would become overwhelmed with memories of my life during the writing process, especially since I often drew inspiration from real events or people in my life.
My final attempt at completing the transition from a handwritten gem into a digital one came in November of 2018. I was finally successful in terms of typing everything out, but after years of growth I could see how incredibly flawed the story itself was. The pain was still lingering from reading through my own instability and unhealthy mind. I swore that I would never publish it. It was an important piece of both my author and personal experience and I didn’t want to scrap it entirely, but it wasn’t something that I really wanted to share with the world.
It made me feel incredibly vulnerable to see how maladjusted I was in my early adolescence. It was no surprise to me after reading through these chapters that I endured a lonely childhood existence, void of any meaningful friendships. It’s also no surprise at all that I wound up in the toxic abusive relationship with Noah. As far as I was concerned at that point in my life, that was how relationships were supposed to work. It was also neat to see how much I’ve matured in my craft over the years.
Then, after looking at it through fresh eyes, I decided to try something different with this gem. Instead of publishing it via my usual channels I decided to take the advice of a fellow author and post it on Wattpad. It’s been up for a while now and seems to be gaining a bit of traction. I still don’t know if it will ever make it to the “officially” published stack on my resume, it’s finally been unveiled in its entirety for the world to see.
It feels a bit liberating in a way now that I’ve overcome the hesitation and vulnerability. Perhaps it will continue to foster the courage to keep going forward with my writing career, or at least it will stop haunting my hard drive.
You can find Lavender Raindrops on Wattpad by clicking the photo above.
Copyright: R. MacCeile 2020