As we near the middle of the Summer things are heating up again in my forever fighting with Noah and Mia. We haven’t had the annual yelling match this year mostly because I’ve been avoiding it. Which is honestly why I’ve been quiet on social media. There is nothing I can say that won’t result in a fight one way or another so instead of pressing forward as I’ve done in years past this year I’m opting for silence.
I don’t really know that it’s made a difference. I’ve long since realized that Noah isn’t fighting with me as an individual. Noah is fighting with me as an idea, or personification of a truth that he so desperately wants to repress. I understand and empathize with his plight, because I’ve been in the same boat. It’s how our shit show relationship endured for so long despite the horrific toxicity. I clung so desperately to the lies and teeniest shred of hope for happiness together because I didn’t want to face the painful elephant in the room. The painful elephant being: “He doesn’t love me, he’s never loved me, and he’s been using me this entire time but I don’t want to admit it because my ego is fragile and vulnerable from a lifetime of trauma. I’d rather be miserable and find tiny moments of happiness than be entirely wrong and have to start over.”
Even after meeting my husband, getting married and beginning our family that elephant was still a hard beast to tame when it came to my therapy. I danced around it for several years until (THE IRONY OF IRONIES) Noah pushed me forward. I was over here with my white sheets draped over this elephant and he came out of left field tearing everything down forcing me to stare at it until I came to terms with it. Which makes sitting here and doing my damnedest to ignore him as he flails around figuring everything out for himself impossibly difficult.
I know he knows how to get better, because he taught me how to get better. The knowledge is in there, but for whatever reason he isn’t ready to apply it to himself and his own circumstances so instead he just flails around in self destructive patterns which I always seem to get sucked into at random intervals even when NEITHER OF US is ACTIVELY TRYING to involve the other.
A perfect example: he was doing something in Indiana a few months ago. I had no idea until he turned at a red light and I ended up behind him for several miles as I was returning home with my kids. I had to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. I didn’t even know he was in the same state, and what are the odds that he ends up in my neighborhood AT THE SAME INTERSECTION on a random weekday?? There is no way in the universe we could plan that, and yet… it happened.
This is the shit that keeps stirring up the revolving door of drama. First it was SPAM, then it was anonymous text messages, now we’re running into one another at random ass intersections in the middle of the week. To his credit I don’t think Noah even noticed me since I was driving my Father in Law’s car, and he didn’t drive by my actual HOUSE. We just ended up on the same road for a while, but it got my attention and then I started investigating trying to figure out why he was in my neighborhood which led me down the rabbit hole of discovering his public social media and court records.
I was so happy for him. He was doing so well; then the pandemic happened and he took a nose dive back into instability. I knew even before things got really bad that he wouldn’t make it through quarantine but I was still silently rooting for him to maintain his course. Mostly, silently. A few times I spoke up, which he noticed, and probably contributed to the most recent debacle.
“omG hOW DeEs ShE kNoW?!” Well because fate hates us and I happened to be in the white Subaru at the intersection of CR100 and Ronald Reagan as you turned left heading toward 74. Right there by the hospital? That’s how I found out. Nothing more, nothing less than fate putting us in the same space for ten minutes between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year, my innate curiosity and deductive reasoning.
I kept it to myself trying to avoid drama. Noah wasn’t doing anything wrong by simply being in my town, there was no reason to get upset about it or even mention that I saw him. But in the end it was just another in the long line of WTF Fate moments between us worth mentioning only for the fact that it was completely beyond our control.