I’ve found myself in an emotional state that I’ve not been in for a very long time. My brain is currently locked in “SURVIVE THE THING” mode, which renders most of my emotions fairly numb.
I don’t mind staying at home with my Littles. In fact, I quite enjoy the extra time I have with all of them. We’ve pretty much settled into our online classwork routine and with the weather beginning to warm up in the Midwest US I’ve been able to integrate outside playtime which helps a lot.
I’ve adjusted my own classload around so that I’m able to do the majority of my work when my husband is home. We’re fortunate enough that he works in an essential industry and will be able to keep his job through the duration of this mess. Technically my restaurant is considered an essential industry as well, but I offered up my hours to other coworkers who needed them more than I did. My income was supplemental more than anything else. We don’t really need any supplemental income now that we’re basically trapped in the house for at least the near future.
Things could be much worse, and yet the shock of it all has still overwhelmed me. I still haven’t told my daughter that she probably won’t be able to return to school this year. She keeps talking about when she’s going back to school and the chance to see all of her friends and classmates again. Even if she doesn’t make it back for the remainder of the school year this year, she will likely see her friends next year or at least have the opportunity to say a formal goodbye to her teacher.
I think that’s what got me more than anything else. It wasn’t a gradual change that we were able to prepare for it was one day the virus was in the back of my mind but I wasn’t going to let fear interrupt my life; then I woke up the next day and found the entire world upside down. My daughter had her annual music performance on Wednesday, my son had a school program on Thursday and then neither of them have been back to school since. Friday we woke up in an entirely different world, but it didn’t really sink in until this past week as the number of cases just keeps rising, and slowly the number of fatalities follows.
My mother in law had symptoms but managed to avoid hospitalization. She was unable to get a test. My niece also had symptoms and so far has avoided hospitalization. Hubs had two coworkers sent home for showing symptoms. His entire plant had to be sterilized, but so far he hasn’t shown any sort of symptoms and neither have the kids and me.
It’s like everything I had planned for the next month or two is just… gone. Hubs and I were supposed to be going on vacation this week to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary. The kids were going to stay with my parents and we were going to take a road trip in our new car. It wasn’t going to be anything exceptionally lavish or far, but I’d been looking forward to it since January. We were unable to really celebrate Christmas this year working diligently toward paying off the last of a debt. We planned on making up for it with our anniversary and now Hubs is working and the kids are at home with us.
We also had the opportunity to plan our first family vacation in July. We had planned on visiting a good friend of mine who recently moved to Minnesota. It hasn’t actually been recently, it’s been several years, which is why we were thrilled to be able to actually put time on the calendar for an extended visit. Now I don’t know if it’s going to happen. Everything is supposed to kind of work itself out before July as far as the virus is concerned, but then we have to consider if Hubs will still have a steady income and what happens to the economy.
I just want it to be over so my brain will settle tf down and I can release these emotions that are currently swirling around in my head a million miles an hour interrupting what little responsibilities that I need to focus on. I want to just sit and stare at a wall until it all settles down. I need to stay motivated and focused on tending to my kiddos and continuing my education. Hopefully soon.